that's not Anna.
an awkward silence filled the air. we were sitting in front of each other, outside in my backyard, at my outdoor dining table. he looked exactly how he used to look like five years ago, back in high school. his style didn't changed much, he's wearing a white t-shirt with a navy blue varsity on top, black pants and a pair of black sneakers. actually, his style haven't changed at all. his hair, his eyes, his tan skin, his smile, everything. he just simply looked, better. a lot more matured, of course. that's good, I thought.
"so.. how's life?" with a sheepish smile, I asked. hoping that was good enough as our conversation starter. "nothing much", he said. "are you graduating this year?" I asked. "no, I have another year left. it's architecture after all." "oh i see," an awkward silence filled the air again. oh great. now what? "Ian, you came all this way just to stare at me or what?" he chuckled. now that's better. "no, it's just that, I haven't seen you for the longest time." he confessed. "I haven't seen you for the longest time and I know this is going to make me look pathetic but I can't forget you, Diane. I just can't forget us." he paused a bit and continued, "you know, five years ago when you asked for a break up, I was too shocked to react that I ended up doing nothing about it and I regret that the most. I am sorry about that the most. I lost my timing," "Ian, you don't have to regret or be sorry about anything. It wasn't a matter of timing. I made that decision and there's nothing you can do at that time that would change my decision." "and there's nothing you can do about it now too. I have someone else now, Ian. I'm sure you already know that somehow," I claimed. "I know. I know that and I still decided to come today. I don't want a lot. About the wedding, just think about it again. I thought what we had was special, Diane. I thought what we had was real.", he said.
"Well you thought wrong."
This is what I think how I like him. I can’t
remember if it was after recess or if it was after I took a toilet break but I
remember walking along the corridor as I passed his class. I remember how I
used to always walk pass his class while playfully interrupting him sleeping –
he always sleeps in class. Whispering at him things like, “wake up, sleepy head”
or a slight knock knock on the window right besides him or just give a slight
gaze and giggle at his tired-looking sleeping face. However that particular day, I don’t remember the reason but I do remember I wasn’t feeling playful enough
to do the usual. And that’s when I passed through and heard a boy’s voice
calling me out saying, “hey,” I stopped. It sent chills down my spine and
it’s a sunny day. That’s weird. That voice continued, “are you Zara’s little
sister?” he asked. I turned around with a puzzled face and looked at him
through the window still. His hands were folded up on his desk, his head was up
and his face looked like he just woke up from sleeping. His eyes were as
puzzled as mine. All I can think about at that moment was ‘was it him or was it
just my imagination’. So i just walked away ensuring myself that it wasn’t him and it was only my imagination.
Was it love at first sight? Hell no. I didn’t even
thought his eyes were sparkly or that his hands were pretty enough for me to fall in
love at first sight. No, I absolutely didn’t. But ever since that day, it did spark an interest in me towards him.
Ever since that day, I noticed him at the slightest gaze when I never noticed
him before. Ever since that day, his name caught my attention whenever it’s
mentioned when it never did before. I searched through the entire list on the notice
board just to make sure if he’s in the same sports team as me. I even asked his
classmates about him just to know a little bit more. At least how is he like in their class I thought. Does he rarely talk? How does his voice sounds like? How's his study? Is
he smart? What are his marks for last semester’s test? That's weird. That's just feels absolutely weird. Why the heck am I
so interested in him?
A year passed and we’re now classmates. He sat
right at the same place just like last year. Right at the edge of his desk
line, besides a window. He was quite exactly 45 degrees left from my sit that
whenever i turned over to my desk mates, our eyes met. At first, it was always a
coincidence kind of meeting eyes but soon after it became a habit. It became a
habit of making sure if he’s looking here. If he’s looking at me. It sounds
pointless and delusional but that’s how it was back then. Maybe because that’s
the only possible way for me to communicate with him or maybe that’s just my
excuse to make it sounds justified. Whatever it is, I liked it. I liked
whenever that happens and I guess that’s how I like him. I guess that’s how it
starts. I liked how his eyes gave me butterflies. Beautiful butterflies. Heck
butterflies, I felt the entire zoo in my tummy whenever I looked into his eyes.
I remember how I couldn’t even imagine if we talk. I remember how I thought it
would be a disaster.
A few months later, we were planning to
throw a farewell party for our French teacher. I remember that day like it was
yesterday. The first time I talked to him. well, it wasn’t that much and I bet
he didn’t remember it anymore but I do. I still do. How can I forget such a
memory? The girls were having some trouble with ordering pizzas for the
farewell party that day so we asked the boys for help. Somehow the girls urged
me to be the one to talk to him and somehow I agreed to do so – as he was our
class representative. Nervous? Anxious? Well duh! of course I was. I literally
felt my legs shaking and my hands turned ice cold.
I stretched myself and pulled the blanket over my body.
It’s raining storm outside so it's super cold. At times like this, it never fail to make me think
about him. I tossed around to the right and wondered about almost everything. I
questioned myself and then I ensured myself, over and over again
that it was the best decision. It was the best decision for him and me. It must
be.
- 3:45 PM
- 0 Comments
