once, there was a little girl. she was the youngest child in her family for about four years until her sister was born. technically for another two years until her sister turns two. she never ask for attention or love. she didn't really needed to because everything, everything was given to her without needing her to ask for it, be it love or attention. she was spoiled. almost like a brat. she was the center of attention, basically that typical youngest child in the family. she used to get almost everything she wants. and because of that she loved her life and every single person in it, so much more than anyone could ever imagine. but one day, all those attentions, all those love, shifted to someone she knew nothing about. well at that age, what do we know about siblings, what do we know about birth and human productions? it was almost overwhelming for her with all the rapid changes. because for the first time, she is no longer everyone's priority. for the first time, that one last piece of cookie is no longer hers. for the first time. she was scold for not letting her sister to have things first. for the first time, everyone's attention is no longer hers. all these first times sounds utterly ridiculous but she was only six and it was suffocating her. everything had her confused and puzzled. because how can people change that easily? why was everyone acting so differently? at one point, all these things and questions drove her to her limit which leaded her to think of the deadly, suicide.

it sounds very sudden and out of the blue but for a little girl like her at a young age being in that state, everything seems like making sense. everything seems to perfectly match. there were these voices inside her head that keep making her believe that she was feeling down, and forgotten. she was feeling left out.day by day, a house she used to adore being inside suddenly makes her feel stuffed. a family she used to feel belonged to now seems like a perfect picture if only it's without her. so in the end, she felt suicide seems like the best way. because she imagined a life without her and everything seems to be okay. everyone seems to be smiling and laughing in that imagination and she believed it. the imagination she created herself. at last, she tried everything. she hold her breath for the longest she could, she poisoned herself with some random pesticide and she even gulped down some random small sharp things she found. she even thought of hanging herself and some other time, she even thought of stabbing herself. 11 years from then she would never imagined that she would be writing a blog post telling everyone this dark story of her past. that six years old self of her would never imagine that she would be still living her life chasing her dreams. she never imagined she could achieved so many incredible things and now she did. and she will achieve more.

but how did she found her way out? well she didn't. she was only six for God's sake. it would be a miracle if she did. after all the efforts given, she just told herself every single day to kill herself later. to do it tomorrow. and when tomorrow comes, she will tell herself again. the exact same thing. "let's do it tomorrow." she did it again and again, over and over until time went by and eventually she got tired of it. she didn't really feel like doing suicide anymore. because now she achieved so many things she never imagined she could. she learned to love and respect herself and everyone in her life boundlessly. she learned how to accept things and how to let things go. she learned and still improving on how to express herself in the safest, best way possible. most importantly, she learned that life is more than just having fun. there's a reason why each of us is here. and she now knows, there'll be good times in life and there are bad times as well. you just have to go through it. above all, she can never be more thankful to Allah as she came to realize how lucky she was, that her efforts back then were a failure as she wouldn't have been here now if she died back then out of suicide.

suicide is selfish and inconsiderate. not just to the people around you but to yourself as well. give yourself a chance because you deserve it more than you think you do. so how to not kill yourself? just tell yourself to do it tomorrow. and when tomorrow comes, tell yourself the exact same thing. do it over and over. until you found yourself, a reason to live again.