I often read back the words i wrote,
Just to feel the emotions and feelings embedded between the letters, once more.

I read them again and again, often enough to realize that many pieces of mine are filled with self-hatredness, yet still seem so selfish.

Which is weird.
It feels so self-centred and self-serving, despite its negative phrases and expressions used to define and describe about my own self.

It's about my emotions, feelings, experiences, stories, appearance, opinions, beliefs.
I, my, me, mine.

The irony of taking the opposite end,
Being realistic, and objective, and rational, yet still don't guarantee me selflessness.

It's a fact that i'm not "pretty",
It's a fact that i'm "fat",
It's a fact that i'm "plain" and unentertaining,
It's a fact that i'm not "smart" nor an intellect.

I don't have big eyes, with long pretty lashes,
Nor do i have slim legs, nor s-line and v-shape.

Nor am i funny, cool and quirky,
Nor am i an elite student with just As and not a single B.

It's also a fact that i don't have the best heart.
"Inner beauty", what's that?

I'm far from being selfless,
And i often struggle to emphatize,
Basically "nice" or "kind" just don't really describe me in this life.

It's a fact that i don't meet the ideal expectations of our society,
It's a fact that i don't reach the holy standards of how God wants humans to be,
It's a fact that i don't have any concrete principle nor am i standing strong independently.

It's not "all in my mind".
It's not "just how i feel".
These are facts that i myself acknowledged,
Which often everyone knows but deny when i myself say it.
Out of politeness, out of courtesy.

Honestly, it's unnecessary.
I know what i have not and what i have.
I know what i am not and what i am.
And all that i have, all that i am, is really nothing much.

All that i have is my love for deep conversations.
A safe space to talk about life, universe, time, space and religion.

All that i have is my love for throwback movies.
Stupid, sappy, romantic comedies.
Marvel movies and harry potter's series.

All that i have is my long list of flaws,
My impatience, my low self-esteem, my phobias, my insecurities, my anxiety.

All that i have is my love for my loved ones.
To prioritize them always. To cherish them always. To show my appreciation and express my affections always.

All that i have is my history of mistakes. And the lessons i learnt from them. And the continuing efforts to be better. And the aspiration to not repeat them.


One might say i am being very negative.
Another might say these are words filled with self-hatred feelings.
To me, these are just facts,
The bitter truth that i no longer want to pretend that it is non-existent.

All that i have is all that i am.
That is all there is to me.