once, there was a little girl. she was the youngest child in her family for about four years until her sister was born. technically for another two years until her sister turns two. she never ask for attention or love. she didn't really needed to because everything, everything was given to her without needing her to ask for it, be it love or attention. she was spoiled. almost like a brat. she was the center of attention, basically that typical youngest child in the family. she used to get almost everything she wants. and because of that she loved her life and every single person in it, so much more than anyone could ever imagine. but one day, all those attentions, all those love, shifted to someone she knew nothing about. well at that age, what do we know about siblings, what do we know about birth and human productions? it was almost overwhelming for her with all the rapid changes. because for the first time, she is no longer everyone's priority. for the first time, that one last piece of cookie is no longer hers. for the first time. she was scold for not letting her sister to have things first. for the first time, everyone's attention is no longer hers. all these first times sounds utterly ridiculous but she was only six and it was suffocating her. everything had her confused and puzzled. because how can people change that easily? why was everyone acting so differently? at one point, all these things and questions drove her to her limit which leaded her to think of the deadly, suicide.

it sounds very sudden and out of the blue but for a little girl like her at a young age being in that state, everything seems like making sense. everything seems to perfectly match. there were these voices inside her head that keep making her believe that she was feeling down, and forgotten. she was feeling left out.day by day, a house she used to adore being inside suddenly makes her feel stuffed. a family she used to feel belonged to now seems like a perfect picture if only it's without her. so in the end, she felt suicide seems like the best way. because she imagined a life without her and everything seems to be okay. everyone seems to be smiling and laughing in that imagination and she believed it. the imagination she created herself. at last, she tried everything. she hold her breath for the longest she could, she poisoned herself with some random pesticide and she even gulped down some random small sharp things she found. she even thought of hanging herself and some other time, she even thought of stabbing herself. 11 years from then she would never imagined that she would be writing a blog post telling everyone this dark story of her past. that six years old self of her would never imagine that she would be still living her life chasing her dreams. she never imagined she could achieved so many incredible things and now she did. and she will achieve more.

but how did she found her way out? well she didn't. she was only six for God's sake. it would be a miracle if she did. after all the efforts given, she just told herself every single day to kill herself later. to do it tomorrow. and when tomorrow comes, she will tell herself again. the exact same thing. "let's do it tomorrow." she did it again and again, over and over until time went by and eventually she got tired of it. she didn't really feel like doing suicide anymore. because now she achieved so many things she never imagined she could. she learned to love and respect herself and everyone in her life boundlessly. she learned how to accept things and how to let things go. she learned and still improving on how to express herself in the safest, best way possible. most importantly, she learned that life is more than just having fun. there's a reason why each of us is here. and she now knows, there'll be good times in life and there are bad times as well. you just have to go through it. above all, she can never be more thankful to Allah as she came to realize how lucky she was, that her efforts back then were a failure as she wouldn't have been here now if she died back then out of suicide.

suicide is selfish and inconsiderate. not just to the people around you but to yourself as well. give yourself a chance because you deserve it more than you think you do. so how to not kill yourself? just tell yourself to do it tomorrow. and when tomorrow comes, tell yourself the exact same thing. do it over and over. until you found yourself, a reason to live again.

when i took the time to think about it, it's hard to believe all of these years already went by. it's been almost 17 years breathing, blinking, listening, speaking and all the other things that some i knew and some i never knew i could do. it's been almost 17 years of living under the same roof with other seven people -- my family. it's been almost 17 years of observing the world and its nature of ups and downs. it's been almost 17 years walking on Earth with billions of people scattered around the world. it's bewildering, really. when you take a moment and think about the facts. it felt rather burdensome, when you face up with reality.

so i just finished reading this book by Jenny Han entitled "to all the boys I've loved before" (i finished it in a day like ladies and gentlemen, please give me a round of applause) and to me, it was really beautifully written. i loved how Jenny plot her story line and how every first line at the start of every chapter is in capital letters, i don't know why but that attracted me somehow. i like how the stories unveil throughout the story (if that makes sense) on how it makes the flow of the story seems mild, not too slow and not too fast. the story length was really, just in the same year but how she plots it and insert the other stories here and there are just beautiful.


for the surface of the story, i liked how she made the main character a Korean american instead of the usual British or american background which makes the story a lot more lively with cultures (except for that i expected more on that part like celebrating a Korean thanksgiving day scene or shopping at the market with her grandma, whatever suitable scenes there are) and makes the book more attractive as it focus on a minority of america's population, moreover, an Asian. besides that, i like the song girls concept. i like the idea on how because before their mother's death, their mother used to say that she's a song girl for life and so they decided to put their mother's last name and call themselves too 'the song girls' so they won't lose their Korean identity which gave me this hearty warmth feeling. besides, there's nothing to complain with a middle name because their name sounds even cooler with that. Lara Jean Song Covey, it definitely has a right ring to it.

so on the content sense, i like how original the idea was. who could have imagined for our ancient love letters to suddenly be sent out to its supposed recipient? if that really happens somewhere in this world then that would definitely be a terrifying nightmare. furthermore, on the details aspect, i like how the fact that she didn't even send those letters in the first place right after she wrote it. it felt more self-satisfying. well crushes are liking someone from afar and it felt like writing a supposed love letters are really handy when you feel the need to tell that person specifically. it's like lying to your own self but that won't hurt anyone, will it? that concept is very interesting that even attracted me to try as well. other than that, i like the characters Jenny picked to be the 5 boys who received the love letters from Lara Jean (well technically she only wrote it but she's not the one who sent it). the 5 boys who Lara had crush on before. they're a variety of characters and honestly i must say some are very relate-able and some are very understandable. well i am a girl too.

so on to characters of the novel. it was quite a first time that i just can't really imagine who's my main character (Lara Jean) is but most of the time i just imagined a random Asian Hollywood actress that I've seen somewhere on HBO. i loved her so much maybe because we have too many things in common or things that are too relate-able. it's fun when the fiction's main character is relate-able. we understand them more and it's like we can feel every single emotion for every single kind of scene. for Peter Kavinsky (honestly i don't know too if it's pronounced literally as sky sky or ski skiing), i imagined Justin Timberlake because somehow my mind thought he would suit that kind of character wearing leather jacket and all. you know, the typical egoistic and narcissistic but witty, popular guy in school who plays in a lacrosse team. it's quite cliche in this part because *spoiler alert* the love line involves a nobody girl and the popular guy in school but what's not to love about that? he turns out to be a pretty sweet guy who's close (but isn't spoiled) with his mother and patient with kids. now that's something no girl would not love. as for Josh Sanderson, his personality kinda reminds me of Peter Parker but in a cooler way so i imagined Andrew Garfield as him. I actually really like his personality and i so get how Lara could be in love with him first. he's that nice guy friend who's charming, smart, caring etcetera etcetera. but oh i hate it when he blames Lara for not confessing back then, after getting that letter saying it would have made a difference. like, hello. you are no different mister. you didn't do anything too when you know you're inclined to Lara. okay, whatever. for Margot, i just imagined this one Korean actress that i really am not sure what's her name but i do remember her face. heheh. she's so independent and mature that sometimes made me want to be like her and sometimes i don't. as for Katherine a.k.a Kitty, i imagined her as that kid actress from Interstellar. i'm not quite sure if now she's too old to be a 10 years old fiction character but she definitely suits to be Kitty in my perspectives. oh i love how she's young but has a fashion sense.

for scenes aspect, technically there are some cliche moments but personally, i'm totally fine with a sprinkle of cliche moments. it's addictive and that's why those certain aspects and moments became cliche. it's like they've become like the salt and pepper when you cook. it's a must. and also, there were scenes where i was for sure about predicting what was going to happen and the story failed me on that. some are bewildering, some are overwhelming and some are quite disappointing but acceptable. i'm actually liking the plots and the story flow and all that ish so much right now that i'm actually quite afraid to read the sequel. i hope it won't disappoint me in any aspect because i'm so having a high expectations and i'm just really looking forward for the sequel!

it's been two days since i received my SPM results (no i won't tell mine) and i still can't believe it happened already. it feels like i am finally, really, for real, free from high school. its like that one last string attached has finally been cut through. its like that one last knot has finally untied. now we are all finally on our own path for real. it still felt a bit unreal but that will pass away somehow, well i know it will for sure. now, all of that has come to the deathly "what am i going to do?" question. it's amazing how in a blink of an eye all of a sudden i get to decide how's my life is going to be. of course, in reality i won't fully get that power to decide but by hook or by crook, i'm planning to do so. i know i have that responsibility to discuss it further with my parents but above all, i pledged to myself that i, will never do something without passion or love moreover if it's out of force. i only have one life and i plan to make the most of it. i am not going to waste time learning or doing something that i don't have any passion towards it. building passion? learning to love things? na ah. to me, that's a whole lot more of wasting time. why bother doing something that requires time to learn how to love doing it when you can just do what you already love and have passion towards it? and how sure are you that you will love what you're doing? it's a big risk and even if i am a risk-taker, this is a kind of risk that i will never, ever take.

in the current world we're living in, at least what we can see here in Asia, it's pretty unfair when one decides to be a doctor or an engineer or a lawyer or even an architect, they're more accepted and acknowledged by the society. but when it comes to those who decides to approach uncommon fields like management, arts, media, food, fashion, basically those areas where it requires least academic achievements, they're less accepted or acknowledged by society or even their own family members. really,who decides what's professional or not? who decides which career can achieve most success? because in the end of the day, it all depends on yourself. even if you're a lawyer, but if you're lazy, irresponsible and charge clients with illogical sum of money and yet you expect me to respect you then na ah. that's no success to be respected. i believe every passion should be respected and acknowledged equally. if one wants to be a lawyer and it's okay then for one who wants to be a hotel manager, it should be okay too. because in the end, every career, every area, has it on ways in contributing to the country and the Ummah itself. just because it offers higher income doesn't mean it contributes more to the society and just because it's not a professional job doesn't mean it doesn't play any role in developing a country. i believe every single career has it own kind of importance be it a president or a housekeeper.

now that's more to before receiving SPM results. the after-story is tend to be the usual cases where one gets good grades but their passion is towards the uncommon fields or one gets the opposite grades but still has the passion towards the common fields like medical, engineering and ecetra ecetra. in any ways, i still believe passion comes first. once you have passion, you'd do anything to get far from where you are now. that's how passion can keep you going on. it's like when people in love, in usual cases they'll do anything for their spouse, right? like michael bolton's song lyrics, "when a man loves a woman, spend his very last dime trying to hold on to what he needs. he'd give up all of his comforts and sleep out in the rain. if she said that's the way, it ought to be" so when you have passion, nothing seems impossible in your eyes. even if some of the things in this world are impossible, you'll be the last one to know. that's how much passion can drive you and that's why it'll drive you further in life.

even if you may say, that other factors like job opportunities or range of fields or amount of salaries and ecetra ecetra, should be considered as well. i believe those comes second. those are important but not as important as passion. passion seems small to most people but it actually plays a really big role in keeping you doing things right. it will give you that energy boost. it will give you that satisfied smile. when everything goes wrong, it gives you the reason that'll make you feel alright. it gives you that relieved sigh at the end of the day knowing every single drop of sweat was worth it simply because you love it. passion can motivate you to achieve so much more than you can imagine. it has that force to keep you on track. now passion doesn't seem that small to you now, does it? it's sad that in reality people overlook passion and focus more on job opportunities, high incomes, and ecetra ecetra. to me, passion makes you more humane. doing what you love is called freedom and loving what you do is a long-lasting happiness. and that's what i want. to be free and happy. it sounds childish and immature but trust me, when you're enthusiastic and energetic it'll not only benefit you but it'll benefit your loved ones and the people around you too.



what? how's my SPM results? well, lets just say mine was rather satisfying despite my effortless studying method.

i had countless moments where i blankly stare into these keyboard or the laptop screen wondering how to put my thoughts into words. not because i don't know what or how to write stuffs but really it's because there's too many things going on on my mind i guess. so many things to speak about and so many opinions to share. and really while I'm typing all of these words i still find it funny the fact that I'm posting about it. i guess when it comes to blogging, that's how i like to post things. to write what's on my mind and share it with people who i might never know and probably will never know them in my entire life. i suddenly have this crave to be honest and sincere to the world. why you may ask? i don't know. i never actually know the reason myself. maybe someday i'll find the reason and maybe i wont. nevertheless i never think nor believe it matters.

you know that saying, where people quoted every now and then, that is how "you hate high school now. but you know you'll miss it one day." (something like that i think) I often wonder how much that quote is true. i mean, of course it's true if you're that popular guy/girl whom everyone loves. or if you're that student who always make the school proud. or you're that lovable student who is always adored by every teacher. or you're that friendly kid who fit in everywhere and anywhere. or you're a teacher's child, (which make sense what) who would dare to go against you?

it's irony. how sometimes, it seems easy for people to say they miss something or someone. basically anything or anyone. how much it hurts to know that? how much it reminds you to know that? how much do you love to know that? it's sick. it's sick when there are people who use meaningful words effortlessly in vain. almost as if it brings none meaning. at all. only for the sake of likes on facebook or getting replies on twitter saying "oh. my. God. sooo relate-ableee *diva emoticon* *few sighs emoticon* *plus smiling and laughing emoticon*".



when you talk about memories, sure. there are a lot of good memories to remember. when you talk about lessons, sure. there are a lot of life lessons learned. but are that good enough to miss high school so much? are that strong enough to heal the scars left by certain people or certain incidents or certain experiences? are that reasonable enough to forget the nightmares for the underdogs, or the victims of bullies, or the not-cool kids, or the always ignored by people aka wallflowers?

it felt cruel. it just doesn't feel right. it may sounds like i dramatically put it into words but really, it's something to think about. saying things nonchalantly is immature. it's like saying "relax, it's just a robbery" to your friend who's a bank manager. or saying "chill. it's not like it's the first time this happened" to your sister who's cheated by her husband. it sounds rather ridiculous, isn't it? well, that's how ridiculous that quote sounds to those who don't really have much fond memories when it comes to high school.

i believe missing something (anything or anyone really) is when it made you wish for the impossible. when it made you hope for a wishing star. when it made you dream of a time machine. i believe missing something for real is when you miss that something itself more than you miss the things related to it like its memories for an example. that felt more real and so much more sincere. at least that's what i believe on how it should be. oh yes. that's how it should be.

high school? it's nothing new. be it a public school, private school, religious school ecetra ecetra. everything can happen and anything will happen. don't expect everyone is nice and all goody two shoes just because it's a religious school. don't expect everyone is smart and all As just because it's an elite school. because in the end, everyone is human. people make mistakes. what makes the difference is if you learn from it or not.

high school life? same - same. things can happen. someday, you'll might get back stabbed by your friend or embarrassed in front of everyone. and you'll might run into your crush in the corridor resulting a very hideous shocked face or get into a fight with a classmate out of a misunderstanding resulting a very revengeful enemy. I'm not saying that is really what will happen to you. I'm trying to say how you never know what life will give you and that goes the same with high school. how to go through it smoothly? there's no other way. just bump it. and see how it goes. either it makes you. or breaks you.




now go study. what a procrastinator lah you guys.

fiction. a very imaginative world where you can make horses fly and see frogs singing a lullaby. one can even make dragons came back to life or travel through time. because it's fiction. everything is possible. it's a world where humans can escape from their hectic life and go on an adventure without moving a mile. be it by reading fictional books, or watching fictional movies, or even listening to fictional stories. it enhance ones mind and creativity and sometimes it even influence ones opinion and views with or without ones consent. it's despicable yet amusing and it's confusing yet possible.

*sniffs the air in the office* a big sigh of relief after finishing another pile of work. it's funny how sometimes i find myself wondering why i am here. working in a real office with a real job in a real world when i could have stayed at home. yes. i am sixteen, turning seventeen in 6 months, am waiting for my SPM results yet already sat there in a meeting with people that are way older but wiser than me. discussing about stuffs that made me wonder how (the heck) i was able to understand them. it's fascinating yet overwhelming. it's also bearable yet unbelievable.

*sniffs the air in the office again* a bigger sigh of relief after realizing there's only one week left till my last day working here will come. but then again, that also means the day i'll know my SPM results is near. is it nerve-wrecking? of course. a big major of course in deed. more specifically i would say i am anxious. not that i am worried or stressed out but you know, anxious. that anxiety feeling of concerning how i will react to every possible result and how my parents will react. that anxiety feeling of concerning how that day will turn out. will it be considered horrible or will it be considered success? lingering questions that haunt me every out and about.

on a side note, i am excited to start. start what you may ask? well there are a lot of things listed in my planning, that with Allah's will, i'll start right after the day i received my SPM results. it's pretty exciting to have time and to be able to plan to-dos and to-achieves lists because for 11 years i was tangled and bounded by school. at first that freedom felt a bit awkward. it felt rather uncomfortable to be obtained.




but of course we all know that felt for like only 5 minutes (duh).

i am not my age,
i am not my name,
nor my appearance.

i am not a weight,
i am not a height,
nor the size of my clothes.

i am not my features,
nor the colour of my skin tone,
nor the dimples on my cheeks.

i am all the books i read,
i am all the words i speak,
and all the days i dream.

i am my croaky morning voice,
and the pains i try to hide.

i am the sweetness in my laughs,
and every tear i have cried.

i am the songs i sing so loud,
without worries nor second thoughts,
when i know i am all alone.

and i am the songs i caught on,
those songs i cant help, but relate,
myself, to the songs.

i am the things that i believe in,
i am the hopes that i have faith in,
and all the people that i love.

i am the places that i have been to,
i am the places that  i want to go to,
and the one that i call 'home'.

i am the quotes on my walls,
i am the memories that i so cherish of,
and the future that i dream of.

i am the things that i am attracted to,
the things that i favoured to,
and the things that i leaned to.

i am made of such beauty,
but it seems that i forgot.

when i decided that i was defined,
by all the things that i am not.

and i bet, same goes to you.
and you.
and you.

 yes, you.

last Friday, our school had a Teacher's day celebration and the thing is, the entire programme was organized by the most awesome batch ever, that is my batch, the 14th generation of Al-Amin Bangi High School or what we would like to call #ohanaksoleh (ohana + anaksoleh)

so hmm. where should i start. ehem. even though i know it seems vague as why am i writing this post when i am not like the director or even the co-director of this whole celebration and in fact, i am just merely the photographer/ video editor/ emcee handler/ nagger (lol) for this celebration,but i still somehow felt like it. i still think and believe that i should write this post even if its just another ordinary 'thank you' speech, as a token of appreciation towards all of you girls and guys, each and everyone of you.

so, well, thank you, everyone, for giving your best in doing each part, making this celebration happened joyfully, also thank you for showing your commitment and giving cooperation, i know, that, actually, with just a little bit of push and also a good communication, we would work together just fine, but of course there are still a lot to learn, a lot to improve and so i just hope we could take this realisation  part as a step in being a better organizer inshaa Allah.

i bet everyone was somehow troubled sometimes by the preparations for the celebration before this, and that night before the celebration, some of us even stayed up all night finishing what's undone, but i bet it was the first time both banat (girls students) and banin (boys students) stayed at school to finish everything together, so be proud. it was tiring but it was worth it. oh not to forget, thank you to those who helped me (well you know who you are) to print those name tags, when i know it's hard to find a place to print even when it was late at night yet you guys still didn't decline my favor and in fact you guys even helped in putting those printed name tags into the tags so yeah thank you so iffin much.

nevertheless, i hope there're no regrets. just be better.of course, there were tough and rough times, sweet and bitter moments, tremendous feelings of tiredness and exhaustiveness, but yeah, we went through all of that together and that's just awesomely epicly cool. i just hope this experience of handling this celebration together would not just be an ordinary experience, but also something that would give us more than just a memory to remember.

maybe, just maybe, this could be a turning point for us all, to change towards a better person, a better student, a better batch, a better leader and inshaa Allah ending up being a better Muslim. take everything that you can out of this experience, learn from the good and take a lesson from the bad. and also, may this experience would strengthen our bonds among ourselves and also not to forget, the bond between us and Him, inshaa Allah.

p/s : before i forget, here's a shout out to Muallimah Hafizah Jamaluddin ! who is always there for us, always guiding us, always helping us whenever we need with whatever you could do, gah you just make me go speechless. thank you so much for your help and guidance and also sorry sorry sorry sorry sorryy if we ever troubled you or hurt you with our words or actions or both ways, we will try to be more careful after this inshaa Allah. we love you, Muallimah ! forever and always :)




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too bad we still didn't managed to take a full family picture together, oh well, next time inshaa Allah :)

this somehow encourages me to post more things.

don't be afraid of standing up for justice.

un-hesitantly.

please, stop acting like you know.

even Google doesn't know. how can you?

i know i should just ignore, but i just can't let this one go. i hope this post clears all. sigh.

inspired by Kelly Clarkson's "mr. know it all"

someone asked me at my ask.fm about how to be good as me in debating. meh, honestly, i got a long way to go. you see, for all debaters out there especially, never feel satisfied and that you're good enough. that's so wrong. you shouldn't feel that way cause that won't help you on being better. like what my trainer once said "a great debater is the one who always keep improving." so keep that in mind folks ;)

it was the first paper for the day plus the last PMR paper for life *big grin* and while that 10 minutes before PMR officially ends, i thought of numerous things. well, i am a day dreamer *bigger grin* so i supposed that's normal i guess ? and sitting next to a window was really great and inspiring *grin again*.

amateur photography by me . *grin*